Endings and Beginnings

My grandfather and I always have had a close relationship.  I was always his little princess growing up.  People also said that we shared a quirky sense of humor.  I used to love going over to Grandpa and Grandma's for extended lunches, not only was it free but I could also nap on the couch after!
I consider myself very lucky to have had him in my life for this long, but that doesn't make saying goodbye any easier. Today I buried my grandpa.  Well, not just me alone.  I guess I didn't really bury him as much as I watched his casket get lowered into the cold, soggy St. Patty's Day ground.  As I placed a red carnation on Grandpa's casket I thought about my two sisters and my brother, happy and secure with their spouses.  I thought about their wedding day.  How happy and proud Grandpa had been seeing them starting a family of their own.  I thought about one of the last conversations that I had with my grandfather.  We sat hand in hand on his favorite couch in the den.  We were watching animal planet, and something with animal bloopers...(I hate animals).

Me - Grandpa, these shows are so funny.
Grandpa - Well, they are kind of stupid, but I can't hear the words from the other shows so well anymore and you don't need to listen to watch this.
Me - Oh. Well, they are still great. (No, they aren't. They suck. Why do lie?)
Grandpa - So, Jacci, you are moving to the Big City.  You are going to be a city girl, are you?
Me - Yah, I am so excited.  I love it in Toronto.
Grandpa - Just make sure you find a job close to your home... we all know your track record on the road.  It is safer for you not to drive...you shouldn't even own a car.
Me - uhhhhh..... yeah.  I guess you're right.
Grandpa - And make sure you are careful there.  We all know your track record of accidents even when you are not in a car...
Me - uhhhh....Yeah. Can't argue with that one.
Grandpa - Don't forget, you are getting older.  You need to settle down soon, find a good man...a good looking man...and get married.  You won't be young forever.
Me - *Gulp*
Grandpa - It's such a shame you couldn't find somebody to marry.  It was one of my last wishes to see you get married.  But that is definitely not going to happen now....
Me - *GULP*  No, Grandpa, that is definitely not going to happen.
Grandpa - Well, I guess that is that.  But, Princess, don't forget how much I love you and I'm proud of you no matter what.  And you are going to be a success.  You have it in your blood.

As I went in to hug my grandpa, I struggled to hold back my tears.  The second I stepped out of the den, I broke down.  Grandpa was right.  Animal shows are stupid. I am dangerous behind the wheel. I am an accident waiting to happen.  I wish he could see me get married one day (but that will never happen now).  Finally, I am a piece of him, and I will be sure to make him proud. I will make him proud through my actions, my work ethic, the way I love my family and the way I treat people.  Grandpa will be proud of me no matter what profession I chose or which city I live in or which car I drive (if I drive at all), as long as I do everything with the values and morals that he instilled to his children and grandchildren.

As we drove away from the burial site I turned around to see the casket abandoned in a cold, muddy hole and I knew that Grandpa was no longer living in that body, but in the hearts of his family.  And one day (God willing) I do get married, Grandpa will be there in my heart.

I'm not an animal hater. We just don't get along...

The U-Turn Queen of the World

I can't help that I often lose my way. I consider myself somewhat of a U-Turn Queen. I have always been this way. I've never made it to my parents cottage without at least two U-Turns...sometimes finding myself 45 minutes in the wrong direction. My family makes fun of me. My friends are accustomed to it. Just last summer, I found myself lost in my hometown on my way to baseball. (I've lived there all my life, I've been playing baseball at the same field for 5 years, and my church is on the same road!!) Yes, I admit that I am directionally challenged.  That's why when my dad presented me with a GPS a few months ago, I was thrilled. This meant I finally had something in my life to keep me on track.

So, of course, on my first road trip to visit a friend about three hours away I punched in the address and off I went. It was great at first, I didn't have to think about anything or worry about where I was heading. Just follow what the soft British voice was telling me and I'd get there, hopefully, U-Turn FREE! 

After hitting the highway, I put on my favorite tunes and cranked them right up. I got into my usual habit of singing way to loud to music that was even louder...it was so loud in fact, that I missed all the instructions for where I was supposed to be going. When I finally realized this, I turned down the music. All I could hear was that soft British voice, still in her calming manner, saying "Recalculating" over and over again. 

She wasn't saying "You messed up" or "Now you are way off track!" She was simply recalculating the new and revised directions.  Making a new plan.  This made me start thinking (which is normally what gets me lost in the first place) about how great it would be to have a GPS for my Life. The moment I made a mistake, all I would have to do is listen to what the new plan for my Life would be. What revised directions would get myself back on the right path to where I ultimately want to end up. I suppose that all of us, to some extent, have a GPS built into our beings; our conscience. In my experience it has told me when to call my mom and tell her I love her. It has told me when to apologize to a loved one. It has told me when to go for those big things in life I've been working for. It has told me when it is time to go home. So far, my inner GPS has told me when a relationship isn't right. I'm hoping that it will also tell me when one is. 

Everyone is born with this GPS built into their being. Some people (like serial killers, UFC fighters, and lawyers to name a few) chose to turn their GPS system off. Some people (like crack addicts, professional sports players *cough*TIGER*cough*, and large fuel companies) bury it so far into their subconscious that it disappears from their reality until it is finally uncovered. The majority of us just get so into the music, that we forget to listen to the directions it is telling us. It is easy to get so caught up in the moment, that you don't even hear everything that is going on around you.

My route was "Recalculated" and as I continued my journey (via the alternative route) to my final destination, I said "Thank you!" to the small black GPS systems calling out directions for me. I also took a few minutes to thank my inner GPS (Greatness Positioning System)...so far, as long as I'm listening, it won't lead me astray. I just have to remember to keep listening!

Altered Dreams

So here I am, out with my good friend. We’re sitting on a beautiful patio right in the heart of the city, sipping a refreshing sauvignon blanc and doing what we do best: analyzing our lives and even more particularity the non existence of a significant man in our lives. 

As the majority of our friends have settled down, married, are in serious relationships etc, I sit there and think ‘why are we any different? Did we subconsciously make this decision for ourselves?’ I think back to when when I was a child. I remember playing “wedding” with my sisters and friends, normally I would play the part of the groom or the minister, except of course the time I was 6 years old and was actually forced by my older sisters to married my beach buddy, Blaine. All of our parents and friends were there to celebrate with us. I wasn't opposed to this blessed union, but I also didn't give much thought to it. So, I suppose, I have never been afraid of marriage. But I cannot remember actually laying in bed and dreaming about how my wedding would look or what sort of dress I would wear. Does this mean I never cared enough to actually find a man with whom to create the dream? Does this mean that because I have never been able to visualize it that it will not come true? So I asked around to my friends, both married and not married, in relationships and single. My results were that the majority of them who had, in fact, dreamt of their weddings were now either married or in serious relationships. 

Hmmm, this is getting concerning. Did I doom myself at a young age to remain a spinster forever? Will I find fault in ever man who I come across just to stay true to my non-wedding dreams? Hold up! Lets take a step back for a minute. Lets say I had dreamt of weddings as a little girl. What would be the likelihood that I would now be married to my scrawny, inadequate high school boyfriend? Probably pretty high. If I had been on that fast track to marriage, the first one would have been locked and loaded. I would be living in a beat up old house in a small town in the middle of Who-Caresville on Going Nowhere Road. It would be comfortable and I would probably be content. Or would I? Instead, I chose not to fabricate wedding bell dreams and instead dreamed of the world and what it had to offer me. I focused on the people I would meet, the places I would see, and the incredible things I could do. Focus is an amazing thing. When your focus is set to a certain target, you will find that in no time at all you're hitting bulls eyes. The most important thing is that you are always aiming for something. If you find you are shooting with no focus you will end up hitting stray targets which you will probably regret. Generally, in these times without focus, life will veer off in the wrong direction and will spiral out of control before you can even realize it. 

So, here I sit, sipping my wine and talking about the same things we've talked about a million times. I know we will continue talking about these things a million more times, and I am more then ok with that.   And you know what?  I still don’t dream of wedding bells but I do have focus. I do have targets set up all around me. As long as I keep on aiming, I am bound to hit some of them sooner or later.

RULES TO LIVE BY: The Creed of the Sociopathic Obsessive Compulsive

1. If anything can go wrong, Fix it! (To hell with Murphy!)
2. When given a choice – Take Both!
3. Multiple projects lead to multiple successes.
4. Start at the top then work your way up.
5. Do it by the book…but be the author!
6. When forced to compromise, ask for more.
7. If you can’t beat them, join them, then beat them.
8. If it’s worth doing, it’s got to be done right now.
9. If you can’t win, change the rules.
10. If you can’t change the rules, then ignore them.
11. Perfection is not optional.
12. When faced without a challenge, make one.
13. “No” simply means begin again at one level higher.
14. Don’t walk when you can run.
15. Bureaucracy is a challenge to be conquered with a righteous attitude, a tolerance for stupidity, and a bulldozer when necessary.
16. When in doubt: THINK!
17. Patience is a virtue, but persistence to the point of success is a blessing.
18. The squeaky wheel gets replaced.
19. The faster you move, the slower time passes, the longer you live.

Facing the Firing Squad

Without anything to lose, I faced the firing squad. I faced them with the same fear and valor as Colonel Aureliano. There was no way out, there was nowhere to run. The one I had put all my trust in had been the one who shackled my hands and feet and lead me to them. Now, unshackled and standing before them I felt exposed, as though I had been stripped of all my pride. I looked past the firing squad and saw him walking away without looking back. He carried on his shoulders the shackles I once wore, and I could see then how heavy they were. I no longer had to carry those shackles, and even though I was now exposed I was free. Free of the shackles that had confined me. How had I lived with them for so long? 
In the midst of my newly discovered liberation, I remembered the firing squad in front of me. I squeezed shut my eyes, knowing their rifles were ready, I embraced myself for their torrent. I waited. I heard the first shot, followed by a second. I opened my eyes to see the firing squad had turned their guns on my captor as he ran into the flat, empty desert, never releasing my shackles from his shoulders. Then I heard more shots and my eyes filled with tears as I saw the firing squad had lifted their rifles as a salute. And just as it was for Colonel Aureliano, standing in front of the firing squad is far from the end for me.

These are a few of the many amazing moments in my life. It is moments like these that make me excited for what the future will bring...

1. Sleeping under the stars in the middle of the Australia Outback, waking up in the morning and eating fresh bannock with honey.
2. Watching a meteor shower from the front of a cruise ship in the middle of the ocean.
3. Being handed the keys to a bar overlooking the Adriatic Sea in Dubrovnik, Croatia after the owner decided to head home. 
4. My first sight of Zebras in South Africa...and chasing after them.
5. Learning how to yodel at the top of a mountain in Switzerland.
6. Skydiving.
7. Skinny dipping in a mountain lake up near Whistler.
8. Wandering the streets of New Orleans. Every time is as amazing as the first time.
9. Swimming with the Turtles at Blue Monkey Beach in Barbados. 
10. Listening to my favorite band play live behind me, as I work. Then getting to meet them.
11. Exploring the Islands in Thailand on dodgy mopeds
12. Sitting in my hot tub in the winter at night and watching the stars.
13. Hearing my nieces scream with joy when they hear me arrive. 
14. Wandering around tiny villages in the Northern hilltop tribes of Thailand.
15. Bungee Jumping.
16. Watching whales beside the ship in Alaska.
17. Finding my favorite pair of Jeans in Toronto.
18. Watching cruise ships leave a port...and not being on board. 
19. Zipping up and down the streets of Cozumel on a scooter, and knowing everybody.
20. Scuba diving in Costa Rica and seeing a massive White Tipped Shark within arms reach in front of me. 
21. Exploring underground catacombs in Paris.
22. 4 Days in Amsterdam with my brother.
23. Watching the Sunsets at Ipperwash Beach. 
24. Tattooing the bottom of my foot.
25. My first time rock climbing outdoors. 
26. Sipping wine on a rooftop with my best friend, overlooking Hollywood.
27. Watching DJ Tiesto live from the best seat in the house.
28. Sitting on the dock up at my cottage...and doing absolutely nothing.

When the City Sleeps

When the city sleeps I find time...

I hear the silence appearing
and I wait for it to settle in.
These are the moments
when life is crystal clear.
The questions subside
and the peaceful knowing sets in.
It is these quiet hours
that I wait for each day.
It is in these times when the moon is so obvious
that it shines brighter then any of the city's lights.
In these quiet hours,
I am at one with myself.
My mind is clear to file through my thoughts and feelings
and I chose the ones to reflect on.
With every slow breath,
I allow another worry to fall from my mind.

I am able to be.
Untroubled.
Just be.

Hey Sera, Sera...

Bangkok, Thailand

He had a large, bright smile which was a perfect fit in the 'Land of Smiles' but compared to the people of Thailand, he was oversized. A big beard and an even bigger belly told me that he was not native to this country. I had noticed him hanging around Khao San Road for the last couple of days, and he intrigued me. When he introduced himself as Sanjay and I knew from his accent that he was from India. For some reason I felt like I could trust him. I followed him to the shade of a quiet, narrow ally off the busy street. He laid out two small pieces of cloth for us to sit on while he hummed a strange song. At first I was cautious but he was soothing, calming and I wanted to trust him. Once we were settled Sanjay took out a white piece of paper and an old pencil and instructed me to write down a list of things while he turned the other way. I was very careful not to let him see any of my answers. What was my favorite color? Mother's maiden name? Sibling names and ages, my birthdate, city I was born. There were more. I wrote down all my answers as Sanjay, back turned to me pulled out a second piece of paper. He did some writing himself then turned back to face me in our dingy solitude. As we both revealed our answers I was both shocked and chilled to see that Sanjay had written the exact same answers as I had. In his slow, calming voice he repeated all of my answers. He knew much about my life, too much. So many small details that I thought later I had somehow been played. That perhaps I had these things written somewhere and he found them. But there was no possible way for him to know these things. Then he smiled deeply at me, his big brown eyes told me not to be afraid but to seize these moments. My mind was liberated of my unobtrusive thoughts and was allowed to open up and soak in this moment of which I was both alien and yet somehow in my niche. He told me not to tell secrets, that I have an open heart. Then he told me of things to come.
When he was through, Sanjay pulled out a small wooden box filled with different trinkets and objects. He carefully selected one tiny object out, making it seem almost predetermined. He took my hand and placed the object firmly in my palm and closed my fingers around it, looked me in the eyes and said to me "I will see you again one day." He gathered his items and led me back to the commotion of the busy main street and almost at once he disappeared in the flurry of people. I drifted to the steps of a large building and plunked myself down, attempting to take in what had just happened to me. Then I realized that I was still clutching his small gift to me in my hand. I looked down at a neatly folded piece of paper which had been carefully wrapped around a small jade buddha and secured with a rubber band. On the paper was written: "An empty vessel makes much noise."

Of course at the time that that particular phrase did not mean much to me, but I also did not give it much thought. After composing myself, I spent the rest of that afternoon wandering so deep into the streets of Bangkok, lost in my thoughts, I had no idea how I would ever find my way back to the hotel. This was the start of my one month in this foreign land. Sanjay helped me set the pace for what I was about to face. So much of what he told me proved to be accurate. Some events happened precisely has he foretold them. It is a scary premonition, knowing that something is going to happen and being unable to stop it. It is not a natural feeling. There is also something to be said about misinterpretation. No matter what you know about the future or what feeling you have that something is going to happen, you must learn to take it all with a grain of salt. One must not let these things influence how we live our life from day to day. 

Hey sera sera, whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to see. Hey sera sera.

I remember one day about 10 years ago. I was in high school and it was a special day at school when colleges and universities sent representatives to come and talk to us about our futures. I must admit that during my school days (and...of course... I have changed dramatically since then) I was a bit of class clown. Always speaking up in class and saying what was on my mind. Not afraid to say exactly how I felt. Sometimes it got me into hot water, but most of the time I just got a lot of laughs.

This particular day there was a young man at the front of the classroom. He was talking about our hopes and dreams for the future. What we wanted to accomplish and what goals we want to have fulfilled in 10 years time. He went around the classroom asking everyone and all their answers were fairly similar. Graduate. Own a farm and have a family. Get a bachelors degree. Be in school to become a doctor. Get married. Buy a house. YAWN! To me, all of these things sounded very boring and mundane. I couldn't imagine all these people I was going to school with would just suddenly grow up and become the adults that we now tormented. It was at that moment in my life that I decided to do things differently. I would not follow the crowd. I would not run with the herd of lemmings off the edge of the cliff and plummet to a final resting place (into adulthood.) I wanted to create my own path, and find my own direction. I wanted to clear my own way, a way that nobody else has ever gone. I will do things different then my fellow classmates of life.
When it came my turn to answer the question of my future, I boldly stood up and look around at every person in the that room and said with confidence and conviction "my goal is to be an Explorer of the World. I want to find new things and go places where nobody else has ever gone. I want to see and do as much as I can until the day I die." Of course, the class including our guest speaker, had no idea how serious and honest I was being and they all burst into laughter. But years later, when our Grade 12 Yearbook came out I opened up to a picture of myself wearing my graduation cap and gown and beside that was written "Future Career: EXPLORER".

Ten year later. I have traveled to about 20% of the world's countries in almost every continent. I have not just traveled them, I have lived in many of them. Spent time and gotten to know them. Four months ago I finally came home to start working what some people call a "Normal Job". It has been quite an adjustment for me, one that I am still working on . For the last 8 years I have been so mentally stimulated throughout all my travels and adventures that now that I am home, I find my mind wandering a lot to years past. Wishing to be back amongst the Akha tribe in the primitive mountains of Northern Thailand. Dreaming of being surrounded by the medieval architecture of Prague. Longing to smell the air at the edge of the Adriatic Sea on the coast of Croatia. Hoping to taste the sweet wines of the rigid Western Cape in South Africa. Wanting to be in the chaos of the crashing waves at Crane Beach in Barbados. There are so many places in the world that I still want to go, and so many places that I know I will return to. So where does this "normal life" fit in? How much more time will I waste sitting here while the world is at my fingertips...just waiting for me to experience it.

Life Lessons from a Serious Shopper

Like so many other women (and men) out there, I love to shop. That is sort of an understatement. I think that every day that passes without some form of shopping is somewhat of a failure. I always seem to know what it is I'm looking for, especially when it comes to clothing, down to specifics. Unless it fits exactly to my criteria there is no commemoration. When I do find something, I know instantaneously. I only need to try it on for size. If you are a salesperson don't even bother trying to sell it to me. Simply, consider it sold. After the thrill of the purchase itself (that instant when I sign the receipt or punch in your debit card number, when I know that out of all the 7 billion people in the world it belongs to me) there are one of two things that normally happen. The first one is to go straight into the next store (or restroom), find something in there to try on and quickly change into the new purchase. Or, two, as soon as you get to the car (as long as the parking lot isn't super busy) sneakily change into your new purchase. If by chance I can't change right away, the drive home is painful in such a gratifying way. I get so anxious to wear it that my stomach will feel nauseous with excitement. This is how I know I've just made a perfect and preeminent purchase. Do I have issues? Ahh... probably but I'm dealing.

Just today I drove to Toronto to go shopping with my mom and sister. I knew exactly what I was looking for. Jeans. Boyfriend-style, bootcut, slightly light acid wash destroyed jeans. Shouldn't be too hard to find. Now I should also mention that I have a slight obsession with looking for one certain pair of jeans. Slightly baggy semi-distressed, light weight jean...and here's the clincher...with thick elastic cuffs around the ankles. This is my 'specialty item' that I have been searching for (literally around the world) for the past 4 years or so. I don't go to shops and say "today is the day I am going to find my cuffed jeans." I know that it is too rare and too special an item to make a special trip to find just this. Plus, when you put time restraints on finding your 'speciality items' you will only set yourself up for failure and disappointment. Not to mention the emotion issues attached with arriving home from shopping empty handed. Regardless, lately I have been totally consumed with finding these unique jeans. Entirely obsessed to the point that I have gone so far as to consider asking my tailor to alter a pair jeans to fit my desired end-product.

The first store I went into (without any difficulty) I found my light acid washed-destroyed boyfriend-cuts. And what a great price too. Only $49.95! I haven't found jeans that cheap for years... Perfect. I throw them on the card and feel very accomplished. I know that it isn't a life altering purchase because my stomach isn't twisting and turning as I leave the store. Onto the next store. Our main goal is to find my sister a dress and they are heading for one shop in particular. But as I pass a clothing display on our right my whole world seems to slow down to a blur. Time continues to exist around me but my entire being was zoned in on One Thing. I hear myself say to my mom and sister "go on to the next store. I'll meet you there. I have to go in here." I go straight to the guy behind the register and ask one simple question while pointing to one of the mannequins. He waves me to follow him as he searches the store. My breathes are getting shorter, I'm so close to finding perfection. There is a small panic amongst the sales guy and another sales girl. The next thing I know he is taking something off the mannequin and bringing it to a change room in the back. I slip into the change room and quickly wiggle out of my over-worn skinny jeans. My life returns to normal speed and I become conscious of the fact I'm wearing the last pair of a perfect fitting "slightly baggy, semi-distressed, light weight jean"...and heres the clincher... they have thick elastic cuffs perfectly hugging my ankles. I keep them on until my mom and sister come looking for me. They are perfect. They are beyond perfect. They are more then worth the 4-year wait. The 4-year search around the world. I don't even care that they are $249.99. They are worth every penny. My stomach jumps a little bit as I sign the receipt. I can't wipe the smile off my face. The whole ride back to my sisters house, I feel like I am going to throw up out of excitement. I know that I have made the perfect purchase.

So, you ask, how is this tale about me spending all my money a life lesson? It made me start to think about things that I wait for in life; an amazing career, a perfect home, a great adventure, a relationship where there is no spec of doubt. Don't ever stop the search at less then perfect. Do not settle for second best. I could have stopped looking at jeans after my first purchase. They are comfortable jeans, not the most comfortable but not horrible. They are stylish, but not truly unique. They are great jeans, but they are not the "One" pair I've always dreamed of. Nobody deserves to settle for second best. YOUR perfect pair of jeans is out there too. It could take 4 years to find, it could take 40 years to find. But the moment it has been found there will be zero doubt in your mind. There will be no need for alterations. You won't need to fix the hem. The colour will be exactly what you want. You will want to wear them every single day and you will always love them... So though my quest for the particular 'specialty item' has ended I have many more items on my shopping list to tick off. I hope that one day all of them are success stories just as today was.